Today I had a pity party. I didn’t invite anyone to the pity party. I didn’t make margaritas or overindulge on Aunt Karen’s double stuffed brownies. Instead I sat with my feelings, acknowledged their importance, and gave myself time to mourn the moments of sadness that I no longer wanted to keep inside. While our great country is in turmoil, while the news and internet show stories of violence, division, and hate I had my own pity party. It seemed so trivial, so unimportant during a time in our country’s history where racism, riots, and the talk of defunding the police are headlines on every paper, every street, and every news channel.

Today I had a pity party. I felt waves of sadness about the current events intertwined with my own personal battles. I thought about my students that I wouldn’t get a chance to say goodbye to because our school year was suddenly cut short due to COVID-19. I thought about my brother who has been directly in the line of danger for the past week as he bravely suits up to protect the City of Albany, a city he loves. I thought about my own battle to combat loneliness that has been further amplified by the pandemic. A loneliness that had hid behind a wall of work obligations that no longer existed.

Today I had a pity party. I thought about not having a job lined up for the first summer ever and what this might mean for my financial situation. I thought about the stray cat Rue I took in and pondered how I was going to ever get her and my pup Neela to coexist. I thought about the weight I have been struggling to lose as I find myself desperately searching for the motivation that used to ooze from my very being. I thought about all the weddings I was supposed to be attending and the friends who had to wait yet another year for one of the most important days of their lives.

Today I had a pity party. But do you know what? Would you believe that NO ONE showed up to my party! The nerve! And in this moment as I sit here typing my very raw feelings, I realized that I was the only guest at my pity party because I was the only one who could turn the pity I had for my own situation into something much more powerful. Because here is the thing…it’s OK and healthy to have a pity party even if it seems so trivial compared to what is going on all around us. Read that again. It’s OK. Your feelings are valid.

But just as every party comes to an end, it’s your choices moving forward that will determine if the invitation to that very pity party you invited yourself to can be ripped up, stomped on, and used as the very ignition you need to light the fire again that you always knew was inside of you. The fire that was smoldered by circumstances, but relit by self awareness and love for yourself. When you take care of yourself, acknowledge your fears and feelings, you will find yourself waking up the next day oozing determination, strength and hope. Today I had a pity party. Tomorrow is a new day.