In the middle of a busy New York City airport with a glass of wine and a chicken caesar salad, tears spilled from my face as the waitress kindly slipped into the distance. This was never the journey I had asked to be on, but at the same time it was mine to own. My lab tests had proven that time was of the essence. As I hung up the phone with the nurse from my OBGYN office, I felt hopeless. An incredibly low AMH level, 39 years old, and single… Was this it? Was my journey to motherhood over before it even started? 

The next day I had decided that I deserved more than just a phone call. I scheduled an appointment to see a new OBGYN and asserted my need for clarity. Upon their recommendation, a couple weeks later, there I was sitting in the Carolinas Fertility Institute office with my Tory Burch bag perched upright on the empty seat beside me. At that moment, the expensive handbag so eloquently highlighted my partnership status. 

Dr. Yalcinkaya has practiced Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility for over 27 years and was highly recommended by many in the area. The 3 month In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) roadmap all bundled up in the white and blue folder he placed in front of me came with a steep emotional and monetary price tag. I found myself fantasizing about being in middle school playing the game of MASH where my friends and I could laugh off each other’s misfortunes instead of having to face them head on. It was a lot to take in, but I knew what I had to do. 

A slew of online profiles of men from every walk of life was literally what the doctor ordered.  I quickly acquainted myself with the best sperm banks that the internet had to offer. As I swiped through profile after profile, it set in that these men were not going to be taking me out for a nice steak dinner and a glass of chardonnay. One of these men on the screen, whether they donated to make a few bucks for college or because they felt an honorable calling of sorts, would be the reason I’d have a chance at motherhood. 

As I approach the near end of my 30s, I feel proud that I have made the active decision that my perpetually single status could no longer be a limiting factor. In a world where social media and societal expectations can easily dictate a woman’s sense of self-worth, I will continue to open my heart and mind to the wildly amazing possibilities of my own doing.